Welcome to the DocWhitley.com Parent’s Forum. This forum is a tool for parents, teachers and friends to exchange ideas and converse with one another anonymously. I will post information and responses periodically on the forum.
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WELCOME
I like this site. I listened to the free podcasts and found them interesting and challening. Complex ideas and good format. Learned alot. It’s time to buy the book.
–a mom
I’m from California. I agree. But I could use some more How-tos. My 14 year old is very intelligent and has all the problems described in the self-control video…he’s a total grabber. So, how do you build more desire to wait in life. But my husband was a grabber too, but he’s better.
–Imma Mom too
I joined the Whitley Select. There are more how tos there, and I hope to see even more. The one on Toxic Peers really helped me with my 13-year old. We are still working that but so far, things are better at my household.
–Gregorie in Atlanta
We read the book and started the 10 step program. We are members of the site. It has been a life changing experience. I know we are on the right track with our 14 yr old son. It also made me realize the changes my husband and I had to make in order for this to make a life change for our family. We listened to rational soul and it hit home. I have used the “reality” based thoughts so many times with such success. I think the most helpful thing is the understanding that we now have as to way our son was acting this way. With that, change is possible. We also don’t feel like the “bad guys” anymore, it is all on our son and HIS choices. For the Mom of the grabber, our son is also very impulsive and couldn’t wait for anything. This even went with spending $. We have had a difficult time connecting waiting to greater reward. One thing we did…he wants that Playstation3, as we all know it is $600.00. I refuse to pay that for a video gaming system. And on went the arguement. So, he also wanted the PSP. He had enough of his own $ that he earned over the summer to purchase the PSP. SO, we told him that if he saved $300(1/2) of the $ for the PS3, we would contribute also. If he decided to purchase the PSP, no contribution from us for the other. This went over like a lead balloon. Instant gratification or waiting and saving for what I really want. He agonized for days, tears, everything. Finally, he decided to wait for the PS3. I asked why? well, I know what I really want and that means I have to wait, and so far has not grumbled one time about it. Since this incident, he has shown alittle more thought on some things, we still have a long way to go. The best part was…he had to consciously make the choice for himself. I think this is the hardest part for all of, allowing them to make the choice and sometimes fall down, and learn to succedd themselves.
Thank you Dr. Whitley for your kindness and well given advice.
–Jenn-Virginia
This is Dr. Whitley. Thank you for your kind comments. I want to support you in your nice comment. It is sometimes difficult for us parents to “wait” for those right moments to confront our “grabbers” (see the podcasts on this site) with the decision to wait, delay, and get the greater good later. You have to start, like you did, with something they really want and make them work for it. Following the Ten Steps and other techniques, and remaining calm and reality focused, are all part of the over all package. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with other parents. Hats off to you!
–Dr. Whitley
We need a referral for a psychologist or other professional counselor in Orange County, California. Anyone out there had good experiences and want to share a professionals name, just post it to this forum. Need help with underachievement problems locally. Thanks
–worried mom
awesome website! i’ve learned so much in just a few hours. i also recommend http://www.drdavestein.com (he’s in Virginia). the two site complement each other nicely. i am so glad that i found this website, and have just ordered the book on underachievers. keep up the great work!!
–lisa
Dr. Whitley, thanks for your very insightful book! I have a 9 year old son who is bright and wonderful. The big challenge is that his teachers seem to be a one note symphony of “Why can’t you put him on medication?” Can you give me some pointers to distinguish between underachievement and ADHD. When I suggested to my son that maybe he doesn’t put his name on his papers because he feels more secure knowing that the teacher is always “looking out for him”, he gave that some serious thought and said, “You may be right!” Anyway, in our pharmaceutically inclined educational environment, am I right to think that underachievement can look an awful lot like inattention, but with completely different underlying challenges?
Dear Anonymous: you raise fundamental questions. There can be multiple causes for inattention…other than then subtle problems with brain functioning with true ADHD. Anxiety and depression may also inhibit motivation and focus in school, as well as other personality factors, such as shyness. Basically, I’ve treated many kids diagnosed with ADHD or ADD quite successfully using the programs outlined in my book. I also train other focusing techniques for kids whom I believe have a correct ADHD diagnosis. I should include a podcast on these techniques soon.
Basically, even kids who are on medication usually need more help in handling their emotional states, motivation, and behavior related to both family and school beyond what medication alone can give them.
Dr. Whitley
–Dr. Whitley
I wish I had found this site when I had my great-nephews with me when their mom was deployed to Kuwait. But now that I have found it, I think I will buy the book and send it to my neice for help with that 14 year old nephew I had who is a grabber and I suspect has ADHA.
–A Concerned Aunt
I read the book 2 1/2 weeks ago, and was very hopeful. We just started our third week, and the anger spewing from our thirteen year old daughter shows no sign of letting up. She won’t set goals, and every response she gives to my questions is sarcastic or downright mean. I found out from her teachers last Friday that she turned in almost no work all week (though she told me every night that it was all turned in). Tonight she had another tantrum, and said the only thing she has to live for is her friends–that if she only had us, she would kill herself now. Afterward, she just cried forever & said she is sad all the time and doesn’t know why. I think she needs a professional counselor. Can anyone recommend counselors/therapists in San Antonio? I really need help.
–Tracey
Tracey, you’re not alone. Our daughter acted the same way and still does but to a much lesser degree. This sounds impossible in the face of a recalcitrant child but remain calm. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do as a parent, but remain calm. Don’t argue with them; If it gets too intense, walk away and come back in 20 minutes (or however long it takes) but always come back to them. Try watching Mr. Rogers. I’ve watched Mr. Rogers 8X now. It does help. The changes may come more slowly than you want but keep reading and re-reading his book and watching and re-watching his podcasts. I always pick up something I missed before. I don’t know how far it is from San Antonio to Houston, but Dr. Whitley is in Houston. Good luck.
–jaberwocky
This book appeared in our life at just the right time. My 8 year old is a brilliant, determined, and troubled “runner”. The past year has been hell, and I have been expecting the police to bring her home in a plastic bag. She has been lying and planning her escapes and exploits with such detail it is incredible.”You can’t keep me in my room, I will just climb out the window!” “You can’t stop me.” “You can’t make me!” We are playing checkers and she is 6 steps ahead playing chess. Last night,I was up all night reading this book, “Bright minds”. Today at lunch she started the blame game,and I sat and quietly and kept putting it back onto her, and reflecting how her choices were only really affecting her, and regardless of who she decided to blame, my life would move along nicely, and so if she suspected somebody was trying to sabotage her efforts she should take steps to prevent this from happening because she and ONLY she suffered the consequences. I do not agree with bringing up issues at mealtimes, but she knows this and she uses it for her own purpose. I changed the rules today and I called her out. Changing the rules shocked her greatly. She was literally squirming in her seat. She even threw the baby’s play dough at me, but she did settle down and stop BS’ing me. I guess she needs time to figure out the new rules. My mother accused me of being cruel by grounding her to the house for 2 months (She had run away again and the police had to be notified). I would rather be too harsh than bury my child. It is only day 2, and her vocabulary is still littered with accusations and blame, but she has made a very honest effort to complete her homework and to help out around the house for the first time in years. It gives me hope, though I know it will be a long road. Reading this book gave us a place to start and a plan to follow. This is a far cry from how things have been going, as I was just treading water trying not to drown and turn my child over to foster care, where they could keep her safe from her own behaviour. I am praying we can get on the right track before she hits puberty. I can also see how I need to alter aspects of my lifestyle to help her understand how important discipline is. Not everyone can be successful living and working as a free spirit. Making it look easy has given her a false belief in her own abilities. She wants to skip the years of hard work and preparation and get right to the business of calling the shots.
Thank you for this new tool!
-momupnorth
This book makes the most sense. I’m a single father with an almost 15 year old. I’ve started implementing Dr Whitleys’ suggestions. I think his is my best hope. His ideas address the source – instead of the symptons. It seems it’s going to be a long haul struggle, but aren’t our children with it? Good luck to everyone.
Does anyone know of someone I can work with locally in Palm Beach County? Thanks, Jim.
I review the 6 daily questions with our 14 y.o. daughter. She hates it. For example, I ask her what subject matter they covered in Spanish, she replies, “Spanish” or “why don’t you go ask the teacher.” Other times she refuses to answer and starts drawing or reading while I’m talking. I’ll get up and remove the book or paper but that just escalates. What to do when they give sarcastic answers or refuse to answer?
–jaberwocky
jaberwocky – My son did that at first, but I just sat and waited. I got a cup of coffee and a book and made it obvious I wasn’t going to give up. His tone didn’t improve much, but he started answering questions. I know he’s still waiting for me to give up, but I’m determined to stick with it. Hang in there!
–devra29
This is a great site I just found. I do alot of what is suggested regarding asking questions at the end of the day,ect.. We have a site where I can check my son’s grade on line at his school,(when the teachers keep up), he will say, that grade is better now, or the new one isn’t posted. Today, I looked, and saw 3 D’s.
What is the best way to approach low grades? When I complain, rant, rave, ground, it does not accomplish anything. He always says he’s going to change his ways, but he is a lazy 9th grader. He has been tested twice for academic problems,and professionals did not find anything wrong. Frustrated parent!!!
–jgirl
My 16 year old daughter is a procrastinator and has ADD, having been diagnosed in first grade. I have tried several different meds and combinations of meds. We have gone through 4 different psychologists and psychiatrists. Living in the Clear Lake area of Texas, just outside Houston, can you recommend a therapist in my area that is familiar with your book and teachings? I am also dealing with an exhusband (with anger issues and just yells at her) and his new wife who has never had children and is VERY controlling, believing that if they just leave my daughter in her room all weekend on their weekends, she will “straighten-up?”
Since my daughter is only two years from graduating high school, I desperately feel I must deal with this NOW, once and for all, before it’s just too late and she tries to take this bahavior to college, which I do forsee the struggles and ultimate failures she will suffer there.
–Stacy
I’m halfway through this book and am relieved to find it. My 15 year old son has a lot of the behaviors described in it. I’m interested in referrals for therapists in the Kansas City area who are familiar with you and your work. Thanks.
–Kathleen
At the end of last semester when my 8th grade son came home with almost straight F’s, I lost all hope. We’d tried everything. Grounding, tutoring, drag sheets, encouragement, etc and nothing seemed to work for very long. I finally got honest about it and admited that he had a chronic problem and so I started doing research. I called around and ask for counselling referrals. I ordered a bunch of books on chronic underacheivement — my son has always scored above average in standardized tests, yet he had almost always struggled in school.
One of the books I got was Dr. Whitleys, and of all the books, this one resonated the most with our situation. It helped to discover that my son was not lazy, nor did he lack values of hard work…It helped me to see that there may be problems there that I didn’t understand and that it was worth digging for. I had to look hard at what I’d been exampling — procrastination being one of them. And I had to change my reactions to his grades. This took time and practice, where I blew it a lot. We implemented the ‘Honesty is a basic requirement.’ and ‘Work first’ policies while assuring my son that we would no longer go ballistic about his grades. I began interviewing him after school and emailing his teachers to check his honesty. Every assignment had to be done, even if he couldn’t turn it in because it was late. No TV, video games or phones were allowed until the work was complete. All this with our best attempts at being positive, yet firm.
You’d have thought I was killing him at first. He pouted and cried and got defiant and in my face about it. When I didn’t think I could take it anymore, I left the room. And when the pouting got to be too much (hours longer), we gave him manual labor to do around the house, explaining that an education is the difference between a career in manual labor and a cushy job using your brain. As his parents, we felt it was important that he have the benefit of full disclosure for what he was choosing, if school wasn’t the direction he wanted to go. After a few weekends of clearing blackberry briars, homework seemed to appeal more to him. Besides, he missed TV, video games and the phone.
It helped that Dr. Whitley was clear about how long this process could take. When I despaired, my husband would remind me how long this could take.
Long story short, it’s been 4 months since we began working with my son using Dr. Whitley’s wisdom, and as of this writing, my son has 2 B’s (in math and science), 4 C’s and a D. He’s a much, much happier kid than he was when we started, and I can trust him again. He’s earned it.
The cool thing is, he sees the whole journey as having been really good for him. I told him that I’d like to resume after-school interviews again in the fall, just as a booster to make sure he starts off the year on the right foot, and that as year progresses I’ll back off. He was relieved. Relieved! This from the kid who flatly refused my help only months ago and was defiant, disrespectful and frequently outright angry. I’m pretty amazed.
Thanks for your book, Dr. Whitley. It was hugely helpful for us. Do you have recommendations for teachers? Some of my son’s teachers have asked — they tell me that my son’s patterns are very common in their classrooms.
–Jennifer
Dr. Whitley,
I have read your book and it hits the nail right on the head describing our son. We have started applying your pricipals to the daily approach in dealing with our 14 year old son and like your book warns, it is not getting better (yet). Without going into great detail, I will just say my wife and I feel like we need outside help with our son.
Can you reccomend anyone in the Tampa FL area?
–taylor
Dear Taylor: Unfortunately I do not know anyone to whom I can refer you in your home town. You might contact the Florida or the Tampa psychological association and ask for a referral to a local professional. Most local professional associations can help you with that. Further, I have a podcast on the main docwhitley website that covers some helpful ideas in selecting a professional.
Even if you do not find a professional who works with children and adolescents who have these kind of difficulties, a good professional may prove helpful in several other ways. One is increasing the depth and honesty of family communication regarding work, school, and growing up issues. Often, kids can profit personally and achieve a better regard for themselves when the therapist offers a forum for kids to express and explore their own thoughts, feelings, and mood states free of the immediate anxiety of exposing private thoughts and feelings to their parents. A good professional can help kids clarify and examine their own minds and emotions in preparation for communication with parents. Finally, a wise and seasoned professional can use the information kids tell him or her to help the whole family come to understand themselves better and function smoothly as a family.
Feel free to check in again with the parent forum. We have updated the forum to make it more flexible and more like a blog. Other parents may have some positive and helpful commentary to provide. Let us know how things are going.
Dr. Whitley
Dr. Whitley and all,
I too am implementing your strategies and they are slowly paying off. We can see improvements in homework grades and quizzes.
This week, in meeting with his teachers I was completely for. All of the teachers, shared he is one of the first to get finished, and rushes almost guessing through exams and quizzes that he has studied or been tutored in. Can you share some suggetions for consequences when they are self sabotaging their work?
–Stan
Dr. Whitley and all,
I too am implementing your strategies and they are slowly paying off. We can see improvements in homework grades and quizzes.
This week, in meeting with his teachers I was completely for. All of the teachers, shared he is one of the first to get finished, and rushes almost guessing through exams and quizzes that he has studied or been tutored in. Can you share some suggetions for consequences when they are self sabotaging their work?
–Stan
Dear Stan: in my book I suggest several supplemental disciplines that may prove helpful here. Basically, consequences are best when they are logical and natural consequences that relate to encouraging and enforcing more mature behavior and are not designed as punishments. In the case of school work, consequences of shoddy work is that the work must be redone and fixed on the student’s otherwise free time, such as on weekends or after school. Just as in the real world he will someday have to inherit work that is undone, unfinished, or poorly done must be redone to rise to a reasonable standard. I would encourage you to go through those pages in the book, Bright Minds, Poor Grades, and begin to employ them, as always, with a calm but firm demeanor, expecting complaints and resistance, but not giving in to that.
Further, it is important to note that all underachievers, by definition, could do the work and do it well but are self-sabotaging. The aim of the methods in my book and my practice are to isolate the moments of decision that lead to self-defeating consequences. From the isolation of these moments in the flow of your son’s life, you (or a professional) engages in a relentless focus, kindly, on the thoughts, feelings, impulses that underly that decision and the alternatives that are possible. This way, you can create a new awareness in your child that he is actually in control of his self-defeat because the source of failure lies inside of him, in his thoughts and impulses, which he can learn to control and change. This awareness, together with consistent application of the supplemental disciplines, starts to build and train the critical six skills of success I talk about in my podcasts on the main docwhitley site. There are many paradoxes to underachievement and some power struggles to overcome. However, the path I outline in my book, though patient, is sure.
Every step of the way in these processes remember one overriding rule of thumb: never do for a child what he can do for himself.
Please feel free to contact us again and let us know how things are going. Good luck.
Dr. Whitley
Dr Whitley, I am a atrong believer that a
book finds us at the appropriate time. Your
book found me when I was at my lowest with
my 17 year old son. I just came back from
a meeting at his school, the 100th..with the
same demands, and the same results, NONE!!!
Can you please recommend a doctor in or
around Toronto, Ontario, Canada who can
guide us, me, my son and husband through
your methods for helping an underachiever?
Please, I am desperate.
Hi Dr. Whitley,
I have a son who is 18 years old who shows a lot of characteristics of underachiever personalities. I have your book and I would really like to try the 10 step program but he is in college ~ 150 miles away. Our question is “How do we go about applying your program for a college kid who lives far away from us?” Would it be a good idea to ask our son to read your book? Would it create more animosity?
Any suggestions are very much appreciated.
Thank you,
Very concerend mom
Dear Dr. Whitley,
I wonder what exactly my son needs. He is 8 years old, and very bright as he scored 98th percentile on his IOWA tests last year. His grades are very good, mostly A’s. For the past two years his teachers have been saying he has trouble focusing in class. His 2nd grade teacher says he wanted to be the center of attention. His teacher this year says he talks out of turn in class, raises his hand often to tell an irrelevant story, asks to get a drink or go to the bathroom frequently, fidgets in his seat, doesn’t pay careful attention to his work and doesn’t work independently. So these things sound like ADD/ADHD, but I don’t think they are that severe. I read that the diagnosis of this is made properly if the symptoms are impacting two areas of the child’s life, (e.g., school and home) which in this case they are only impacting one area, and so far not very significantly (I think) in that his grades are good and his social adjustment at school is good. He doesn’t seem to be an underachiever, since his grades are good; I just think that he could do more academically, perhaps. Maybe he is not challenged enough?
What is the best way to approach this problem? Do you think the approach in your book is useful in this circumstance? My son doesn’t seem to fit any of the 6 underachiever types you describe.
I appreciate your input.
Thank you.
I just found your website / book and I will be buying the book tonight. I haven’t read the rest of this forum yet either, so maybe this is not the right place for my comment / question, but I’m going to go ahead anyway.
My son is whiz…just scored 1510 or something like that on the PSAT, attended the Duke TIP Program for 2 summers, and is receiving heavy mailings / emailings from Top Colleges, including Ivy League schools. He’s always carried an A average, but began to sprinkle in a few B’s and even a C when he hit high school last year. This year, first semester, he had to stage a late-in-the game comeback to finish with middle B’s and 1 C. 5 weeks into the 2nd semester and he has 2 F’s and 3 C’s. He is taking all AP / Honors classes. Early on this semester he was bombing in calculus (math has always been his THING) and his teacher told us that he was not able to do the work and recommended he be removed from the class….so he made a 100 on the next test…BTW, he didn’t miss a single math question on the PSAT. He’s not a trouble-maker in class or a clown. In fact, though he has a solid group of friends, the occasional girlfriend, and is a pretty good Varsity Football Player (which is a year-round JOB – even in HS these days), he’s fairly introverted. Bottom Line, he’s just not doing his work and not studying for tests / quizzes. I’ve told him that his grades are HIS responsibility, offered to assist in any way that I can, and discussed with him the college / life options that he either will or won’t have based upon his grades. His Mom wants to take a bit more – “take everything away, meet with the teachers, force him to sit at the table and study” approach. The problem is that we have taken both paths….first semester, the taking away….more recently, the, “hey, it’s on you” and neither one seems to be effective. His football coaches have talked to him as well (with his current grades, he would not be eligible this Fall) and I think they and he feel like, “Hey, he’s a smart kid, he’ll pull them up before the end of the term.” And he probably will to B’s and C’s, but he’s really hurting his future options by not performing anywhere close to his potential. As I said, he’s not highly social, so he’s not really motivated by grounding, not allowing him to get his drivers license, etc. He also doesn’t seem to be very motivated by the more “laissez-faire with support” approach. As I said, I’m going to get the book, but any quick thoughts?
I have read the book and you wrote it about my son, seemingly, the hidden perfectionist who is paralyzed and can’t “remember” to write down assignments and follow through and do work ahead of time. He is a boarding student. Do you consult with them? Another words, could we hire you to speak with them about this type of child and how to best help him?
Desperate!
–concerned mom
What recommendations do you have for a 23 year old graduate student who has a B.S. in Biology, failed to get into med school (due to a 3.3 GPA overall) and is currently making C’s and one D in biotechnical engineering grad school? He has the characteristics of a gifted underachiever. We have paid for college and supported him financially until this semester. In Jan, we signed a contract with him specifically stating our expectations if we are to continue to support him. He failed to meet any of the expectations. He did have an initial meeting with a local psychologist last week.
What recommendations do you have for a 23 year old graduate student who has a B.S. in Biology, failed to get into med school (due to a 3.3 GPA overall) and is currently making C’s and one D in biotechnical engineering grad school? He has the characteristics of a gifted underachiever. We have paid for college and supported him financially until this semester. In Jan, we signed a contract with him specifically stating our expectations if we are to continue to support him. He failed to meet any of the expectations. He did have an initial meeting with a local psychologist last week.
I need professional help with my 12 year old. I have been doing the program for 5 months and have not seen much difference in her grades. However, she now realises she is making the choice to fail. Does anyone know a psychologist specilaizing in motivation issues in the Silver Spring, MD area?
Both my husband and I have read your book, and have found my son perfectly described, as though you had interviewed him in person! We are anxious to put more of the techniques into practice, although we will have difficulty getting my son’s dad to fully participate (we have a shared parenting arrangement). Does anyone know of a specialist in underachievement issues in the Indianapolis area?
I highly enjoyed reading your article, keep on creating such exciting posts!
My son is 20 and has failed numerous classes already. He doesn’t do his work on time – misses tests and procrastinates. All through HS every pt conference every teacher told me how smart he was but he just wasn’t working to potential. He made good grades and did nothing – just happened to be in class for tests. Then he got to college and it all changed – suddenly he had to work – but doesn’t – no motivation. He says he is just to “social”. His GPA is like 1.8 now – he is on probation again – was suspended his freshman year. Any advise???
Dear Melanie: I have no working knowledge of your son. However, from my work with many young men in his age range and with those troubles, I can offer some directions that might prove helpful. As you imply, he does not sound ready for college work. You may want him to take a semester or two off to come home and work for a while. College is not mainly about social life; it’s about securing the intellectual and moral preparation needed to meet the uncertain and evolving challenges of the future, for careers, and for gaining the best education possible. Sometimes, kids away at college go through a stage of loneliness, anxiety and some depression, which they try to handle by overly socializing as an escape. He is used to escaping and avoiding challenges in the past through procrastination and not caring and it sounds like he is relying on his favorite “coping” mechanisms in the stress of college. If he is going though this, he may need some short-term psychotherapy to help him and maybe medication if the depression/anxiety is significant enough. Make sure he is not using drugs. These are areas of inquiry you would want to know about before going much further with the expense of his college and letting him undermine his future with failure. It also sounds like he is lost and aimless. He may need time and counseling to find out what he wants to do with his life and learn how to face challenges and anxiety head on and with the confidence of someone who has a better history of success and achievement to guide him. He needs a work ethic.
Dr. Whitley
Thank you so much for your comments. I agree with him needing a work ethic and I agree with him being lost and aimless. He is not away at college – we live in the same town as the university. He did move out over the summer (apt. with friends) and did get into trouble. We made him move home. He just got notice that he has now been suspended for the second time. He wants to go to a junior college and retake some courses this semester. When I told him that he has options and he could take a semester off – he cried. He said he doesn’t know why I am pushing him away from school. He has said that he would like to go for counseling – he needs someone to talk to other than his parents. I can’t tell you how exceptionally worried I am – I have read your book about 4 times now. We are talking daily and I am taking notes. Thanks again. Melanie
One more thing – I am wondering if following your 10 step program is feasible for us. My son is 20 soon to be 21 – he’s not a child. He needs help to become more responsible and move into adulthood – but I am not sure we can do this with him. He does live at home and is in college although doing miserably. Any other suggestions for kids this age?
Melanie
We have so much trouble with our 15 year old son. He started not turning in work at the end of fifth grade (He is in 9th grade now). He always just passed until last year he failed but we worked with the school and he did an online HS course and received an A and did summer school (he was given extra days to finish this and without my help would not have finished). It finally seemed that he was getting it and that it is no fun to fail. Well only a week or so into 9th grade and he started not turning things in. I set up a meeting with his teachers and principal. Everyone said they thought he was a great kid but just had no motivation. He is very oppositionally defiant to us and makes our whole household on edge (we have six kids-he is the eldest). He is failing 5 of his 6 classes with Phy Ed. being the only passing credit. He will get an A on his tests and quizzes 3 of 5 times but does not turn any daily work in. I noticed this week that he has been truant everyday for 1 to 2 classes. NOTHING motivates this child. We have taken away TV, Playstation, hunting privileges, cell phone. At one point I took everything out of his room and gave him clothes to wear but this actually became more of a burden on me then him. I purchased your book bright minds, poor grades and I am praying this helps.
KC
I just bought the book and have only read through the first dozen pages and find myself gasping at the descriptions that are all of my 19 year old son. To find this book after floundering around for the past 5 year…..I have mixed feelings. Happy to find a book that pinpoints exactly what is going on in his head, but absolutely enraged that no one at his high school, a school that is one of the top schools in our state, could give me this kind of advice. Oh yeah, and the two other counselors that we spent tens of thousands of dollars on.
Well, I am going to go sit down now and finish the first reading of the book. I hope that the steps can somehow be applied to a 19 year old who is living at home, and sort of attending jr. college.
Dr. Whitley’s book has helped me to understand my son (17), myself, and why my past approaches to motivate my son haven’t worked – and probably made things worse. After 6 weeks of working through the program with my best ‘Mr. Rodgers’ personna, I’ve come to realize that there’s too much ‘junk’ from past struggles for me to effectively implement the program by myself and at the same time work to improve our relationship. I need help. Recommendations and suggestions are welcome for therapists in the Mpls./St. Paul area familiar with Dr. Whitley’s approach.
Dear Dr. Whitley,
Having troubles with my 16-year old son a.o. in underachieving at school, a psychologist advised me reading your book ‘Bright Minds, Poor Grades’. I did a couple of days ago and it contains many eye openers and good advise indeed. Thanks a lot for that.
A couple of weeks ago however, I read a book on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder by Thomas Brown). It turns out that underachieving is often found in ADD-children. Therefore I’m wondering if there could be a link between underachieving as you describe it and ADD as nowhere in your book you mention ADD.
Would it be fair to say that underachieving can be diagnosed as ADD from the perspective of a psychiatrist? Or the other way around: could medication be helpful as a remedy against underachieving?
Looking forward to your reply.
Best regards,
JW
JW: Attention deficits are ubiquitous with underachievers. It goes with the lack of motivation. Attention Deficit Disorder is a contributor to underachievement in those kids who have ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder is contained within the broader boundary of underachievement, but certainly does not fit all the kids that come to my attention. Read my two newsletters on the problem of self-control deficits in personality development. Not all kids who have these self-control problems have ADD, but others do. That’s why medication for ADD can be abused because some kids use it who do not have ADD.
Medication can sometimes benefit children who actually have ADD. In my experience, however, medication is an adjunct therapy because the issues that accumulate in kids who have ADD are more complex than the medication alone can address.
These are some of the reasons I did not address the ADHD or ADD diagnoses in my book. The plans in my book help many types of underachievers. Some of my patients have been able to go off their ADD medicine and sustain self-control and learn to be happy and successful. Did they have ADD? Probably not. Bud did they lack attention to crucial life tasks: definitely. They were not motivated.
I hope this clarifies things a bit.
Dr. Whitley
The book doesn’t seem to pay much attention to divorced parents. What is the situation when you have ex’s where one is trying to help the teen and the other sabotages the teen’s attempts to grow?
Please pardon me if you are getting this twice. I just checked out your site today. I am reading “Bright Minds”, I see you wrote it about my 17 year old son. Thanks for all the insights,it gave
me hope!! I am now looking for a doctor in Toronto, Ontario, Canada who can guide me, my son and husband through your ” solutions”. Can you or anyone recommend someone please, I am desperate!
Book is great, seems to describe my teenage son. However the book slants toward the parental team for treating the kid. What do you do when you are a divorced woman raising a brilliant male 15-16 yr old underachiever? The ex is always around and sabotages everything. That’s the reason he is the ex. Under the California family court laws, can’t get the ex out of the picture. Sole custody is unwin-able. How do you deal with both of these issues? How far can therapeutic treatment go when the ex (1) won’t participate and (2) negates whatever progress the son attempts to make.
Thanks you.
I am sorry I didn’t discover this website and your book earlier. My son is a junior in high school now and each year we play the same ‘game’, nagging, taking away video games etc because of poor grades and his not taking responsibility. I feel he has no investment in his work because I have taken over, over the years, reminding him, helping him, checking on his work constantly. He blames everything but himself, the teacher, the subject, the weather. I am exhausted. Now his final year of school is upon us in the fall. What should our first step be? I know he can do the work and many teachers tell me he is not working up to his potential. Thank you, I am working my way thru your book but wanted your take on him.
Good morning, Dr. Whitley –
I was so frustrated with our 10th grader. His grades have been up and down since 7th grade. I was doing some research, and came found your book.
I ordered it, and began reading. This is so on the mark with Chandler, it is uncanny. Especially the Procrastinator. He is so smart, and is a natural athlete, but sets himself up for failure. He is a paradox. He has been to all kinds of counseling, psychologists, neuro-psychs, and tutoring. I mentioned to Chandler I “had his number”. His response was almost a challenge, as he said, “Oh, do you now.” With a grin on his face. Our hopes are a college scholarship for athletics, but he is barely passing some classes due to missed assignments. I am going to work with him to make sure his junior year is a great one, and he reaches his dreams and doesn’t sell himself short.
He is aware of what he is doing, and that is a start.
Thank you for the book! And, it is exhausting and loss of patience to be a parent of underachievers.
I also found your book and it has really helped us with our 15 year old son. I am also a teacher and I wonder if you have any resources or good ideas for dealing with students. I like the idea of trying to help kids think back to when they made a choice to misbehave or not do there work. I wonder how do we incorporate that into a classroom setting? Should we reward students who do their work & behave and/or punish those that do not?